Big Thanks to Write.As, I found you and you were the platform I was looking for.
I am a nobody. A broken and beloved being. I am on a single quest. A quest of my life. A quest of a life out of billions that have gone before us. I had the most painful moment months ago, on the fourteenth of March 2022. It involved my first and only crush from over a decade ago. It was only a few weeks of intercourse, but it was enough. Her leaving me was the closest thing to Hell. It's like she died, disappeared. I died inside. I wanted to die more than anything else. It was the first day that I rose my hands up to the sky. I am a hyper-skeptic, and super-judgy, but for the first time in my life I needed Jesus to be real. The dream is more real than reality in my pain. I have never cared about Him for all my life. My rationality had to go. My so-called mind was crushed to pieces. This was a ground zero for me. It felt like everything in this life crushed me into the ground. I could only lay prone. It was a croaky “Help me” into the consuming and confusing darkness. I started this blog to tell a story. It's not my story, it's a story. Woven into the fabric of The Story of Light and Shadow. And why? Because I am tired of all pretension. I am so fucking tired of the grievous Rules that exist. Religion is a lumbering behemoth that crushes so many. And we all are more religious than we think. Everyone is. I am tired of all the whys, hows, and whats. 99% of all those things don't matter if I am going to die tonight. My heart only wants One Thing. It's not even a Thing. It's a Thou. A Person. Love Himself. But where was He? Why did He have to leave us nearly 2000 years ago? This is a search for Him. Just another search. No guarantees for a perfect blog. Only Jesus can write The Perfect Blog. I am fucking human, for gods' sake. Death, a event, might come for me anytime. If you have a moment, grow with me. I will grow as we go forward in This River of Time. I am scared. So fucking scared. I want to fucking die everyday, but I will neither kills myself or let someone do it. If you will, let's go and take the Sting out of Death together. An atomic moment at a time. A post at a time.
(P.S. I was going to use “Just another atomic moment” but I will not. I see barely any Justice in this fucking World. I hate Mystery. Let's burn the Mist away. Isn't that what the Sun/Son does?)