I like just thinking of the basic units of language. Words. Then drawing distinctions between them, and playing them against each other, as I draw out the thoughts they birth in my mind, and as I listen to the hum of The Spirit (🌕) in the background.

Word

Often I hear of making “wise” choices, when they are really the cultural norm, the perceived “safe” choices. “Wise” is just used to disguise the fact that everyone in my cultural circle does it (mine is an Asian, migrant, first generation bubble in Australian society), and the outcomes – what we reap – are seen to be good and upright. If it’s hard, and requires sacrifices, it’s worth these outcomes.

Nothing wrong so far, right? Let’s dig into a few of the details.

Get a degree (or a few more) to get into a line of work that has regular need (e.g. Doctoring is always needed because there are always sick people. Teaching is always needed because there will always be schools), get a few years into my career, find a wife/husband, have kids … the list goes on till … retire, go on a few holidays, not be able to go on a few holidays because I am too old … then die.

This is the narrative I am familiar with, very much so. It is what I see played out in the blood family, and also in the spiritual family.

But is that all? Is this what a “wise” life looks like? Is that really all I want to do in this short existence? Do I just “settle” for this narrative?

Sure, it’s hard to live out this narrative, but apparently its the only way to happiness, to satisfaction, to … heaven on earth?

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that working hard with our hands and heads, intimately walking through life with another human being, waking to little kids at midnight, are not good. Hell, I haven’t even tasted most of it yet! I cannot know fully without experience! I will not rest till I have known!

After all …

Sweet is the sleep of a labourer, whether he eats little or much! 🌕🌕

And …

Thou has ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; though hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck. 🌕🌕🌕

And …

Children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

🌕🌕🌕🌕

But the burning question is “Is this the totality of my dreams? Of people I have not met, or people I have yet to take care of? What of now, when a wife and children are remote, and if despair is allowed to enter in, not even a possibility for the wretch that despair calls me?”

Surely there must be more. There must be a grander vision, a more dramatic dream, that INCLUDES the things and thous I mention, but include much more.

Maybe the other questions is “Is living the “wise” life, as defined by my culture, the only way to achieving these dreams? Is it possible that the way to life – as I desire it – is not constrained to only one way? That as long as I am with God in both word and work, that I can make it an adventure, an epic journey, to reaching these goals of eros and more living images of God? Is it even possible that the sequentiality – as culturally prescribed – is a mere description.

Perhaps, I can have it all from the beginning? Achievement and acceptance? That they need not be sectioned off in time?

“Unwise” the past says. “Foolish” the past says.

I just want to be free.

As free as Adam was in the Garden, before he failed in his leadership of Eve, and let her lead him to sin. Before all that crap happened (which i easily could replicate. i am not better than Adam).

Rose. I am still alive and growing in awareness. Thorn. I spent 3 hours playing games, leaving my soul unsatisfied. Bud. I will find joys in my preparation work to tutor physics. I will taste freedom in my work.

WORK

I watched “I, Frankstein” with the question “What did he learn?”, played Cookie Run Kingdom and DragonHeir: silent gods against my conscience, weeded the front yard weeds, cleaned the house, hung the clothing, violined my violin, brainstormed physics notes, read Christian Overman. Still financially leaching off my parents as a twenty seven year old. I rightfully am ashamed off being a burden to my parents. It’s nearly a year (two days away) from the time I officially quit the PhD.

I have a simple plan, and a lot of work to do. But first, the tiny habits to practice my faithfulness with a little. Hopefully there are pieces of freedom here.

Credits

May not relate to what I write, but may just be the books I am chewing on at the moment. I will use 🌑 to indicate that I just read it, and 🌕 when it’s in connection – even the most minute – with what I write. I don’t use distinctions between different authors in the books of the Bible I quote from – call it convenience, slobbishness, laziness, misinformation – call it what you want. I just need a name down, a singular name associated with the book I associate it with.

🌑Christian Overman

🌕 John the Apostle

🌕🌕 Kohelet

🌕🌕🌕 Solomon the King

🌕🌕🌕🌕 David the King