anobody

I don’t believe that demons exist anymore. The only demons that exist are lies. But lies are often wrapped in alot of truth. Lightness cannot be separated from darkness in Middle-Earth.

Within living memory, two demons have shaped a story. This story that I am living.

The last demon was related to my addiction to pornographic manga. Within erotic Japanese manga, lays the blur, evil, line between adults and children. This is what I remember now. This was around March of 2021. I have been addicted to this kind of pornography since I was twelve. It has been over a decade of addiction. I had grown near numb. But this event was enough to throw me up against a gate of Hades. A Fear was born. I was scrolling MangaFox’s catalogue of erotic manga (a stock-standard website for reading “free” manga – not so free, I was just another bloody pirate), and I saw a small icon (amongst many good icons) that bore the drawn image of a sexualised child. It wasn’t the first time I had seen a sexualised image of a child-like adult in Japanese manga, but after many years of being stuck in pornography, the fears of becoming more than just an addict vehemently dawned me. I could become a monster. There was a monster inside. I had to run to prison. I had to call the police, pre-empt my thought crime. I was the oldest in my family, with many younger siblings, surely I wouldn’t! But living in secrecy, I knew not. Only whispers of death.I had already been trying for three years to get out. It didn’t work. I was at a gate of Hades. I must find someone. I found a shrink called Peter, and, with tears streaming down my face, in a choked face, I called him and asked for help. This the beginning of the end. I had to pre-empt my own evil. a satan that lived within me. I needed to crush his head before he took control, before he, with his puppet strings, turned me into a pure, fucking demon.

The first demon was born when I was around six years old (It’s too blur). The details are a more scant. They are clouded in the past. There was my sister’s doll. There was a table I lay under. There was my pants down. The doll was unclothed, close to my uncovered privates. I held it near me. I was looking for something, I knew not what. My father so happened to come by, and saw the clothed part of me under a table. I was ashamed. Deeply ashamed. That is all I remember.

The first demon and the last demon. How can I slay them? I can only do a best with words. What words can I use?

I might have found a Key to Paradise (if it exists). I found it in The Chest of Luke (Luke et. al. +85).

_One of the criminals hanging alongside cursed him: “Some Messiah you are! Save yourself! Save us!” But the other one made him shut up: “Have you no fear of God? You’re getting the same as him. We deserve this, but not him—he did nothing to deserve this.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you enter your kingdom.” He said, “Don’t worry, I will. Today you will join me in paradise.” _ I found this key roughly in March of this year. In mid-March, the most painful moment in a/my life occurred (a story for another time). Never have I hated the world or myself like I did that day. I found myself lying down the next day on my bed, lying there for many hours. A mate called Nate indirectly told me to “Pray to God with my arms open” (Nate J.F. et. al. 2019). I found myself saying this key from Luke’s Chest “Remember me”. I was ready to die. I will let this King, who I have never seen, remember me, while I continue to burn in Hades.

Writing this for a public is letting social seppuku come knocking. Will I answer? All will The Public come and Break Down The Door, guns blazing? Off with his head! Burn him at the stake!

If I were to die tonight, if the Reaper were to come for me, I would be ready. I have made peace with and slain my first and last demons. If I live to see another day, I would make peace and slay more.