Greetings, netizens of Earth.

WORDS

I have been trying to avoid thinking, except when it is set upon a task I am doing. Overthinking causes me mental pain, like how overusing a muscle causes me physical pain.

My mental pain is a tightness in my head.

361 days since I quit the training program, and I don’t want to flounder from overthinking.

I finally putting down a plan for my life, mapping out a career plan for the first time in twenty seven years of my existence on Earth.

There is a tension when I remember that I have surrendered my life to Jesus. So I might say “my life” but I don’t really want to live a purely willful existence.

I want the dance. That dynamical movement with The Spirit. I don’t want it to just be the random opportunities and my meaningful choices. I want The Spirit to fling doors open, but I refuse. I want to knock on doors profusely, but The Spirit keeps them barred.

But I do want to explore, I want to wander, I want to walk with The Spirit, regardless of the trajectory – career-wise or career-foolish it may be.

I want my calling to crystallise. It’s clearer than before. God knew me before I was even formed in the womb. God ordained me for … something, even before I came out of my mother’s womb.

561 days since I recognised my deep need for God to help me – and subsequently asked for help, many a time. “Pray to God with my arms open” (🌕) … with someone made in the same image, at a different time, I raised up my arms to the sky.

WORKS

I gave up trying to do a daily routine. But I do have list of habits. Playing violin, pulling weeds, cleaning the house, editing my dad’s writing … stuff like dat. Atomic habits (🌕🌕) … aye, I haven’t even read the book once. Keeps me going, even though I am still being a burden to them.

The question “What if this is my last day on Earth?” helps too. Keeps me focused on the work, the work that will continue into eternity.

TOJESUS

I got rose-bud-thorn from someone I once knew (🌕🌕🌕), someone who I deeply and continue to respect.

🌹Rose: You have given me a warm bed, roof, more food than i need, and clean clothes. One pant with a hole on the left leg, one pant with a hole on the right leg, and one pant with no holes on either.

🩸Thorn: I am twenty-seven and an utter financial burden to my parents for over a year. Have a big debt with the government hanging over my head.

🌱Bud: I have a plan. I never had a plan wandering in physics for over eight years. A year ago, after quitting the PhD program, I didn’t have a plan, either (I did have wild ideas, but they went all over the place). I reckon I am called to teach, and continue the work of my physics and maths high-school teacher. Inside or outside school – either way, or both. But before that, before going back to school, I will stock up on the tech abilities, so I can build some epic demos for my students. And if I can explain complex stuff to kids, I can explain complex stuff to adults, and do some patent attorneying. It’s not perfect, but some plan is worlds better than no plan.

It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way.

(🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕)

🌹Thank you, Jesus, for YOUR salvation gift to me. i could survive, even thrive, in this Shabbatical i didn’t earn. Thank you for YOUR wisdom and creativity, and I have something planned I couldn’t do a year ago. I want to continue searching for YOUR kingdom, YOUR righteousness, YOUR glory, YOUR freedom first. Can you help me? (🌕🌕🌕🌕)

CREDITS

I rather not explain myself, but I realised the essential thing about referencing, the soul of it all, is the person. Yes, there are reasons for including the rest of the details. But for the bewildered soul, for times of trial, we stick to the basics. The name is all there is.

🌕 NF

🌕🌕 James Clear

🌕🌕🌕 חַנָּה

🌕🌕🌕🌕 Elderly lady on the train

🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 Rollo May

ANGELS

😈 No girl would want to be with a guy as irresponsible as you. It’s okay to be dirt poor in terms of possessions, but you are poor of diligence. Even worse, you lack ambition, and it shows in how slow things are going for you. You ain’ t sacrificing enough. Sacrifice more sleep, more time with family, more everything. Bums don’t get girls, and definitely don’t get married. Too bad.

😈😈 You didn’t invest enough time in this post. It’s rough. It’s easy to see that you don’t care for quality as much as you care for quantity. This ‘you might die tonight’ is counterproductive. I sound like a reasonable demon, don’t I?

😈😈😈 If people read your old posts, they will realise what a shitty person you are. You better delete the past to look better in front of your readers. Otherwise no one will want to read a crazy man’s post, the scribblings of someone who has lost his mind.

😇 You can change for the better. You can taste more freedom in this existence. And you are changing for the better.