anobody

Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life. (John 3:6, NIV)

Counting Miracles | It has been two hundred eighty three days since my reawakening, my rebirth into a spiritual life, triggered by losing the first love of my life. It has also been eighty three days since I ended (for better or for worse) my ten year long, expensive (~60k+ in debt), health-damaging, misguided love affair with physics. My obsessive perfectionism did not permit me to work well in the program.

I have also been alive for nearly ten thousand days.

I am trying to live my truth [1]. ‘Tis the disconnect between mind and heart, where the words that flow in my mind seldom align with my actions – for most of my twenty-six years on Earth.

Golly, I am glad I stopped the busyness – helped along by a disparate crew of humans – long enough to carefully consider my existence.

To stop and ponder. Gain some lucidity. Step back from all the hoo-ha and pretend like every day is my last day on earth. You just don’t know nowadays.

I am a guy who likes finding all the motes [1.5] in other people’s lives. Maybe it’s because I just wanted make life harder for people, as if life wasn’t hard enough already. Maybe it’s because I am just a very insecure kid. A kid in an adult’s body. A kid who learnt how to judge at church [2] and at school. A kid who didn’t know how intimacy worked at home because his parents didn’t know either. He definitely didn’t get it outside of home, because he was moved by strangers frivolously from church to church, community to community. For most of his life, he didn’t even know what – and more importantly, who – he has lost, time and time again. These losses were never processed until the last two years of ‘his’ life. Didn’t feel like ‘his’ life [2.5] when the truth hit like a bag of bricks, as a brother, a believer, a psychologist, a online friend, and his first crush blew open his past to his dismay.

The dam of the past broke open. He couldn’t run away from the onslaught.

He had never looked at his life until now. When he first did, it brought a lot of self-hatred through his eyes. He never knew he could be so insecure. He never knew he could hate himself [2.75] so much.

How + What | For many months I have done my best to refrain from reading any instructional and informational books – secular or spiritual. I have been reading a few entries from a published yet personal journal [3]. In the spirit of this idea, I have reversed many of the books in my father’s house, so that only the foreedges are seen. No titles to bug me as I sit or lie in my room (not really my room, I share it with two other brothers – we have a triple bunker). I have gotten a few snippets here and there – because I just couldn’t resist reading a paragraph or two here and there. I have instead been reading novels. I remember Tim Keller saying somewhere that he preferred non-fiction (source unremembered) while Kathy Kristy (Tim Keller is her husband) prefers stories. Something along those lines. I have been trying to convince myself to be on her side.

In short, I have been trying to fast from data.

It’s not that I don’t want to read these books (Some days the craving gets a bit too much, and I end up writing out my desires to be honest with myself), but rather that I have done more than enough learning and thinking for now. Being in church and school for so long does that to you. I will want to pick it up again, but for now, I am just going to do it [4]. Trusting my current interpretations of Jesus’ words and just doing them. Not spending anymore time now to find the “best” interpretations. I will judge myself that if I take anymore time to do this, I am only trying to run away from the slashing words of Jesus. I don’t need to learn the Greek originals to live a life in Jesus, in ISHO.

Why | The following passage was drawn from a book passed on to me from a retired reverend from my last church (that I left). He said that this was a favourite book of John Wesley (this reverend is a Methodist). I had asked him for a book to read as a new follower of The Way (280+ days), and he had recommended this book. As I read this book, the following verse caught my attention.

As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him. (1 John 2:27, NIV)

My interpretation of this translation is that I can assert my dignity by saying no to any voices – within or without – that say “You need us to teach you”. It doesn’t matter whether I am a new Christian or not. I can learn from someone else if I want to, but I don’t need to. I can trust The Spirit that gave me a new life, a rebirth.

I can just take a break from teaching that I don’t want. Be a very intentional bum.

But there isn’t any helping it, my family are all into teaching, so I will catch some delicious (and not so delicious) pieces of teaching here and there.

But no hard feelings intended for those who write such instructional books. I know they are just trying to help a seemingly dying world. So when I feel like taking a book off the shelf, I whisper to myself “They are just trying to help” and “You know where to go when you want some help”. Then the final coup de grace “I look forward to chatting with [insert author’s name] in heaven … if I am let in.”

If only those who follow cults hear these sweet words that will shoot down their silly acts. Cult leaders love pinning themselves as special sources of secret knowledge. To Hades with their posturing. If their followers see that they only need one high priest – ISHO – then these cult leaders will be left in the dust. HAHA!

Musings | I have it from [5] that the current best practice when it comes to weaning a baby off a pure milk based diet is as follows. To let the baby choose what they want to put in their mouths.

Twisting this spiritually, I surmise that a young Christian (like myself) should be allowed to explore the landscape of religious thought and practice with the guidance of The Spirit. It is a vast landscape, and pitfalls certainly do exist. But if they are truly free in Christ, let us, The Church, be very slow in putting anything upon them, lest we inadvertently add to the thorns, thistles, and weeds in their lives.

For in a broken world, there is bound to be some.

Like any literal baby, handle young Christians with extreme care. The Church unfortunately can be a very brutish place for spiritual babies. Spiritual milk isn’t always in good supply.

In additional, they should be given the freedom to just rest in the grace of God. Not rushed into works. Not rushed into ministry that too often reflects. Maybe even given a sabbatical, if circumstances permit. Let them start with acceptance, not achievement.

Is not this the concrete reality of the Gospel? Sustenance before works. Grace before works. Love before works.

I have come to this opinion partly due to my stay in the church. The unfortunate tendency is that young, firebrand Christians – who have just found their freedom in Christ [6] are brought into ministry too quickly. The elders often don’t know better, and they inadvertently feed off the energy of these younger folk. The spiritual babies are then fed the unconscious lies without leaving room for The Spirit to guide them individually. They are fed the religious spirit of work to the stifling of freedom, of the grace that begins the path of the Christian journey.

This is why I ran from The Church after coming to believe. I could see it was more deleterious to my spiritual health to stay. I had to leave to protect this tiny seed of faith.

They are fed lies, and they lose the truth. How tragic. Life is tragically beautiful. Life is bittersweet.

Truth is hard to come by, and easily lost [6]. To all those who are new to the faith, beware. Protect your freedom in ISHO. Let it grow in ISHO. Hopefully there are people around you who are in the know and will do their best to assist you. Even if this is not the case, I urge you, I beseech you, to “believe in yourself”. Even mature Christians have unconscious lies that they might believe in, and will unfortunately pass on to you. You will have to discern with The Spirit for yourself. Remember, “yourself” is now one with Christ [8]. Follow His words, not mine.

In essence, treat a new believer like a baby in the dignifying ways one can. Don’t shove them theology, let them figure out what they already believe first. Let them bask in the grace of God, who grants mercy even to murderers [9]. Let them truly live in the grace of The Gospel, like they are already in paradise.

Show them holy fun, show them holy work, show them real fellowship. Show them The Gospel in the very details of your life. Let ISHO reign in the seconds of your life so that ISHO’s glory will shine all the brighter and you might have (or maintain) your freedom.

Closing

I am a atom in the body of ISHO.

I am a single thread in the Tapestry of History.

With. Undulation. Heal. Three of my favourite words.

At last, the mists are mostly gone. I see the Light.

References

Format: [?] Author | Title | Publisher | Year of Publishing

[1] The mantra “Live Your Truth” was framed in the background of a Youtube video by I watched with my first sister in the last week.

[1.5] Matthew | The Gospel of Matthew 7:3-5 | Wikipedia | +0080-0090.

[2] Nate Feuerstein | [10 Feet Down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My5lL0sURw)_ from [Perception](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfxY1sg5rw&list=PLlHv20xmZFRrhSTGspKcaJKI21cigAYI) | Capitol + Caroline + NF Real Music | +2017.

[2.5] Logic | 1-800-273-8255 from Heartbroken | Visionary + Def Jam | +2017.

[2.75] Nate Feuerstein | Hate Myself from [The Search](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnlJw9H0xAM&list=PLlHv20xmZFTq7w3X5iobi5rd-oUGpI4) | +2022.

[3] Henri J. M. Nouwen | Sabbatical Journey | Crossroad | +2000.

[4] The slogan “Just Do It” is used by the popular sports brand, Nike.

[5] Sarah Ockwell-Smith | Beginnings | Piatkus | +2022.

[6] ???? | ???? | ???? | +????

[7] Karl Popper | Conjectures and Refutations | ???? | +????

[8] ????

[10] Luke, The Gospel of Luke, 0095

Fake, Broken Rules (first broken rule) Be a diligent writer. (second broken rule) Write a perfectly referenced assay. (third broken rule) Label each reference with a unique number. (fourth broken rule) Create a aesthetically-pleasing blog post. The reference section is shite.