anobody

I have been reading Sabbatical Journey The Diary of his Final Year by Henri J. M. Nouwen on and off. I try to match the entries I read to the day. I fancy that I am doing my own sabbatical with him in spirit (I am seventy days in out of three-hundred and sixty five). His father had said to him something that struck me, and so it stuck with me. I went back to that entry on the sixteenth of October 1995. Here I quote

“People finally will remember you not for your words, ideas, statements, or books, but for what you have one for other, and for the spirit in which you did it.” (Sabbatical Journey | Henri J. M. Nouwen et. al. +1998)

I will now reflect on this quote.

As I was wondering about my stress concerning this haphazard, messy, bordering on madness, clearly heretical, overly disgusting, blog. I realised that I was trying to do too many things at once. Theories (a general word I use for theologies, sociologies, philosophies). Methodologies. Current happenings. Psycho-analysis of my past. My delusional hopes and dreams (like being taken to Judgment Day on a chariots of fire). All wrapped up in one. And I haven’t go good at any one of them at the moment. For sanity and stress sake, I got to focus on picking the most important thread.

Theories are not the most important thread. Plenty of people already do that to the death of my heart in lecture halls. To my deep sleep in church pews. To the bewilderment of my mind and the numbing of my heart.

The thread of methodologies – hows – also don’t matter that much, because there are plenty of books with the word “how” emblazoned on their titles. YouTube is filled to the brim with how-to-dos expressed fully in word and deed.

The doing. The events. Those are what matter. What I cause to happen, and what happens to me. My choices. The emotions that I experience. The meaningful and shallow connections that form. These are the stuff of life. These are the evidence that will form my testimony, my confession, my story.

I could add more words to the theories and methodologies. I suspect I do this to little or no avail. It will be of little help to anyone and to myself. I just get tangled in my thoughts when I try write theories and methodologies. I will only add to the paralysis of the masses (of which I am a part of) who wonder who to trust. Whose theory to cherish. Whose theology to believe. Whose method to copy. Who to follow.

I try to follow ISHO.

So, from here on, I will try to just share what’s happening. Especially the points of change that I am conscious of. Both outside myself and inside myself. The roses, the thorns, and the buds.

Credit to Ella for the song recommendation “Deep in It” that worked with me today as I wrote this entry. I want to credit more people, but it will just make this blog too long. I don’t like long posts … sometimes.

And I can’t end without talking about my sexuality (potentially the deepest source of shame in my life at the moment). I have masturbated once again to the point where my genitals feel way too open and over-used. I really need to practice some self-control, to love my body – my temple – more. I am sure the longer I wait between masturbation sessions, the more pleasurable each one will be.

I also dread going to Brazilian Ju-Jitsu tonight at my local gym. I will try to remember I want to be like Neo in The Matrix. A childish reason for a nearly twenty-seven year old, I am sure.