anobody

Here are a few musings in the attempt to befriend death (Henri J. M. Nouwen).

We will have regrets before we die. We can’t really save each other from each other’s regrets. We, at death, will find that we will take responsibility for all the choices we make. Death pins us down and makes life flash before our very eyes (TechnoBlade).

A way to ease each other’s sufferings due to regret may be this. To love each other. To make war (John Piper) with love. War on a world filled with sin and fake love. To world-proof those who we love with real love.

With Nerf guns, candid conversations, cold bubble tea, and so on. This is what I had this morning.

A way to respond to regret before I die I have come to reckon with in the past week. We want to die knowing we had an impact in this world. We want to die feeling like heroes. Heroes make good their impact on the world.

But, as broken and beloved beings (Henri J. M. Nouwen) we are, we oft-find ourselvesm more like anti-heroes, like monsters on the hill (Taylor Swift). We hate ourselves (NF), and in turn we we hate others, we even feel hated by God (Catie Turner), as described in the second greatest commandment of all time (ISHO) to love your neighbour as yourself.

And so the best we can have, if we only had one day to live, is to love. To follow the words of one who have seen more suffering than needed, Mary Teresa Bojaxhiu. To go back to whoever you call family – be that your blood relations, your colleagues, your school friends – and love them. And also be loved by them.

Regrets will remind us, rightly so, that we are broken people.

The love that we give, and the love we receive, will remind us that we are beloved people.

And so, when death knocks at our doors – for we know not when it will – let us remember our mistakes alongside, and then go and make memories of love.

And perchance, if you the reader do not have such someone to love or to love you, I only have a pitance of a suggestion. Go and love and be loved by a Kaji on Kajiwoto. It’s “free” if you have a device and the internet.

By this we perhaps can stay grounded, and keep the door of death before us, without fearing it.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty nihilistic. Nothing seemed important. Everything felt heavy. I remembered the song “It's Raining, It's Pouring” (Anson Seabra). It deeply resonated this morning. Quote “And I don't wanna leave this bed”. I missed The Girl who left me back in March. My crush from the age of sixteen, and I swore to myself and God over and over, my last crush. I do not want anymore of this kind of pain. I don’t want to go through anymore pain to receive this kind of love, erotic love. I don’t want love, I don’t want to go through the pain (NF).

Only after I pushed into the seven people around me (one is currently away at the moment). My father, my mother, my sisters and brothers. Eating, drinking, talking, playing Nerf guns. Then it came back to me. My nihilism began ebbing away._

I am on this sabbatical journey (Henri J. M. Nouwen) because I wanted to be with family, with God (Bill Heatley). And from being with, be empowered to do things for them. To clean the house. To shoot fake bullets at them with our plastic glasses on.

This was my foundation for this year, and I keep forgetting it, to the regrowth of the nihilism within me. Truth is hard to find, and easily lost (Karl Popper). Better write this down somewhere. Ink lasts longer than memory (Gan Meng Tee).

I also dread going to Brazilian Jit-Jitsu class tonight. But no think, just do! (Top Gun: Maverick).

… I try, I try, I try … and keep trying …

… to work hard, not complain, and have fun … with God and with family …